The Overnight's Honor Beads

Every year at our Overnight's  Opening Ceremony, we pay tribute to a loved one lost, a personal struggle, and support of the cause with our Honor Beads. Various color honor beads acknowledge your personal connection to the cause, and help you to identify others who may know just how you feel. They come in many colors, and allow participants to have a sense of connection and understanding with those around them. This moving and powerful video of our bead ceremony displays the meaning of each color:

 

The Overnight Experience

Imagine thousands of people walking from dusk to dawn –
All united in a mission to prevent suicide
 

Whether it's your first time participating or you've walked with us every year, the Out of the Darkness Overnight is an experience unlike any other. It’s a night to remember and honor those we have lost and to bring the issues of suicide and mental illness out of the darkness and into the light. The Overnight is also an opportunity to meet and connect with a community of survivors—a community that is not only supportive, but allows for a very healing and powerful experience and an opportunity to share one another's stories. For many this is the first time they will be joining with this like minded community. 

In this post, Overnight alumna Hannah Moch shares why she first started participating in the Overnight. Recently, Hannah has turned her long time involvement with the Overnight into an internship with AFSP, and since sharing her story with us has become a member of our dedicated staff.

© Kerry Payne

The 2013 Overnight Walk was a Success!

Thank You All for Your Participation in the 2013 Washington, DC Overnight Walk!

The 2013 Overnight Walk was an enormous success and participants from around the country joined us in the nation’s capitol to help show the nation that suicide and mental illness must be brought Out of the Darkness.

With more than 1,700 Walkers at the event and out on the route and 190 Crew Members supporting them along the way, the Overnight participants were a very large and visible crowd in the streets of Washington, DC throughout the night.

Crew Spotlight: The Wheats

Brother and Sister Alumni Crew Members Keep Walkers Going Throughout the Night

As Walkers journey throughout the host city in the Overnight each year, they see our dedicated Crew Members at the various Rest Stops and Quick Stops, at Midnight Snack, out along the route blocking intersections, and even following along behind making sure that all of the Walkers are on track and safe throughout the course of the night.

Many of our Crew Members are returning veterans of past Overnight events and have traveled to various cities around the country to pick up their roles once again and help make the Overnight Walk a success. Two of the well known faces that participants have seen at the Overnight Walk in the past several years are the Wheats, Cari and Josh, who have worked as Crew for the last three events together.

“We’re All a Part of This Together”

From Route Marking teams and Route Cleanup to last year’s appearance at the Midnight Snack stop in San Francisco, the Wheats have had their hands in many different aspects of the

Sharing Our Overnight Stories

Participants find Personal Ways to Spread the Word

One of the core elements to the Overnight Walk and all of AFSP’s efforts is to bring awareness about suicide to the public at large. Each year our participants share their own stories in a variety of creative ways and show the world the very personal nature of the cause.

Overnight Walkers and Crew continue to spread the word, welcome new participants to the cause, and further their own fundraising goals at the same time.

Our Stories Are Everywhere

Coaches' Perspectives: National Suicide Prevention Week

Coaches' Perspectives posts are a look at the Out of the Darkness Overnight community from the perspective of one of our Walker Coaches. Walker Coaches are Overnight Walk staff members who personally work with thousands of individuals interested in and already participating in the Overnight. Every Walker has a Coach as a point of contact in the office to help them with fundraising, training, and to offer general support.

Walker Coach Jason Krumenaker begins
Preview and Training Day 2012
(http://leann-myafspovernightjourney2012.blogspot.com/)

I have had the privilege of being a Walker Coach for the Overnight for the last two seasons. The 2012 Overnight Walk in San Francisco marked my first opportunity to work with the Overnight Walk's online social network. It was incredible to see so many stories from Walkers and Crew members alike - stories about individual connections to the cause, experiences with the Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk community, and most importantly, stories about how each and every participant is raising awareness. Being part of the Overnight's social network made me all the more excited when September 9^th rolled around this year.

September 9^th-15^th marked the 2012 National Suicide Prevention Week; an opportunity for supporters and survivors to join together to do what they can to prevent suicide. As expected, the Overnight Walk's Facebook page saw a huge increase in visitors sharing their personal experiences and making others aware that suicide could be prevented. Seeing those interactions was empowering. Seeing that so many people cared enough to publicly say they wanted to remove the stigma surrounding suicide was an amazing sight.

However, as September 15^th came and went - something felt wrong.

Thank You!

We are in the process of wrapping up an incredible Overnight season and wanted to take a moment to thank our passionate and amazing community of walkers, crew members, volunteers, and supporters for all of your hard work and dedication this year. The 2011 Overnight has raised $2.5 million to date, making it our best yet, and we could never have done it without your help. The money you've raised will support AFSP’s research and education programs to prevent suicide, increase advocacy and assist survivors of suicide loss. You have now truly seen what a difference a night can make.

Noelle's Story

My sister April (left) & Me
Why am I walking? For myself and everyone who supported me.


March 17, 2009 started out like any other day. I went to work and to class. I had no idea of the drastic turn it would take.


For years I suffered from depression and struggled with eating disorders, self injury, and addiction.

As that day progressed, my storm clouds began to tumble in, and I saw myself going downhill. Instead of reaching out for help, I turned to drinking. After a confrontation with my boyfriend at the time, our relationship ended suddenly, and I made my mind up.

It was about 10 years earlier, when I was 16, that I made my first suicide attempt, but this time around I was certain I would succeed.

My Father’s Daughter

Daddy & his girls, 1974

For the better part of the first two years after my Dad’s suicide on May 13, 1987, I firmly believed it was all a nightmare that I was going to wake up from. That I would find my Dad sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea and a cigarette in his hand, watching the 11:00 news.


I guess your mind only allows you to absorb such agony in small doses. I remember thinking “Is today the day I will wake up and this will be over?”


My Dad never wanted us to know he had Bi-polar disorder. He was too ashamed. He thought we wouldn’t love him if we knew. We were best friends, he and I, and I was always proud when someone said “Wow, Suzi is just like you Jim”. Little did I know then, how much like him I really was.

My name is Cam Nelson and this is why I am walking 18 miles for suicide prevention.

On July 15th, 2010 my brother made a tragic decision to end his own life, after 24 hours on life support on July 16th, 2010, I lost my only brother. He was not only an amazing father, husband, brother, son, friend, and mentor, he was a firefighter. He was always there to lend a helping hand. He would do anything for his friends and family, even for strangers. He fought long and hard to secure his position within the Phoenix Fire Department and he loved his job. He started his own company providing emergency medical services for concerts and events. He was a good father to his boys and step-daughter. He was a loving husband to his wife. He made my parents proud in all his accomplishments and dedication to the work he loved. He wasn't just my brother, he was one of my best friends. We didn't have the normal sibling rivalry, we had complete support for one another. I could tell him anything and knew he wouldn't judge me. This road has been a very difficult one for me to travel. I felt myself slipping into the depression that not only he suffered, but that has been cast upon my family on more than one occasion. Luckily, with the support of my family and friends and the clarity of my mind, I am doing much better today. There isn't a day that I don't think of him, there isn't a day where my eyes don't swell up with tears, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him with all my heart. I don't think time is going to completely heal the wounds I have, what has happened to me has become a part of who I am today. However, I do believe that time will help me better understand and manage the grief I have. I have 31 years of some of my happiest memories with him, and no one can take that away.

I am participating in this walk with my best friend Jenny and we hope to be joined by my brother's wife Jamie. Jamie has continued to run my brother's company, EMS Providers, which may make it difficult for her to attend with us. Just one month after his death, Jenny and I went back to college to obtain our EMT certification to be a part of his company also. We hope to carry it on and make it everything he wanted it to be. I am excited to make this trip from coast to coast. I have never been to New York, neither had my brother. I know he wanted to visit sometime to pay respect to those first responders who lost their lives in 9/11. What most do not realize is the stresses these men and women deal with on a daily basis, on and off the job. It takes a strong person to run into the face of danger while others flee. They see things that others can't imagine seeing. And not all deaths happen in the line of duty. Unfortunately, suicide in the fire department has been more common here in Phoenix lately. Four firemen have taken their lives in a span of 7 months, my brother being the most recent. We will walk in memory all of them.

I decided to participate in The Overnight, because I think it will be helpful for me to continue on this challenging road by being surrounded by others who have not only been there before, but are currently traveling the same road I am. You never truly know the devastation suicide causes until it happens to you. I hope the money we raise for the walk will prevent someone from casting this grief upon their family and friends. I hope the money we raise will help a family, like mine, receive the support they need to stop suffering and become survivors. I hope by participating in this walk, that I might be able to simply make a difference. If you want to make a difference, join us at http://www.theovernight.org/

In memory of my brother Corey Nelson #788

-Cam Nelson
Team Baby Bull & Fallen Firefighters

Team Horizon: Sunset to Sunrise

In 1987, my first job out of school was in a pilot program in the Bronx. I was an in-home family crisis intervention counselor. We worked with families to keep kids in the home. Our referrals came from Child Protective Services (kids going to foster care), Family Court-PINS diversion (these were teenagers, Person in Need of Supervision, on their way to group homes) and juvenile probation (on their way to prison). We had no cell phones, no Blackberries, no email or texting, no computers- but we did have beepers. Families also had our home phone numbers and could call us 24-7. And they did.

One of the cases I remember vividly was a teenager who lived with his mother. He called me one night to say that he was going to kill his mother with a meat cleaver and then kill himself. As you can imagine, I was scared. I could only call my boss for help if I hung up the phone. And I did, telling the kid I would call him right back. My boss agreed to call 911 while I stayed on the phone with him. While I was on the phone with him, the police and EMS came and took him to the hospital. The next day, he called me and said his doctor from the hospital told him to call me. I asked if he was in the ER or a room. He said he was home. I asked him if he told the doctor everything he had told me the night before. He said no. (This is where to this day, my policy is always go to the hospital with people in this situation.) This went on again all day. He was still saying he was going to kill himself and his mother. This time, I went with a coworker to the home, calling 911 ahead of time and accompanying them to the apartment. The mother showed the police officer the cleaver, right in the dish drainer. This time, when they asked the teen what was going on, I was there to make sure he told the truth. When I was questioned by EMS and the police as to what happened, I began to cry.

Twenty four years later, I no longer cry during these situations, but they are still intense. I do not want anyone to be successful in an attempt- I don't even want it to get as far as an attempt. This is critical to me, my number one priority- to preserve life. To do so, I have gone as far as to have a person tracked via his cellular telephone where officers could find him, and they did. I have had conversations with people about their situations, and felt myself slither into dark places with them, realizing the depth of their despair. The difference is that I climbed out of that place easily and quickly, while the suffering person did not. And the work then, is to help that person see other options which they can pursue, to learn to get through the immeasurable anguish. It can be tough, however, I am committed within it.

A couple of years ago, a colleague who worked in Washington, DC killed herself. And she also had a mental health educational and work background, committed to helping people. Who would have ever thought

I am also ever mindful of the issue of suicide for law enforcement officers. Statistics show that the suicide rate in 2010 for police officers remained at 17/100,000, compared to the general population's rate of 11/100,000. Law enforcement officers must step in where no one else will go. The deeply disturbing situations in which officers become involved are sometimes the very cause of their demise. Officers need the support of their colleagues, families, friends, and the public, which they may not receive. It is an issue I wish people to become more aware of, overall.

During this last year or two, I have become stricken with grief hearing stories about kids who have killed themselves as a result of being bullied, especially cyber bullying. With one stroke of a key, a kid becomes embarrassed, a profound sense of shame, when not one or a few or even a class, but hundreds or more see something on the web about them. That could be any of our kids. Those kids see no way out and the parents are devastated beyond words.

About two months ago, on the radio, I heard about the walk, an 18-mile overnight walk in New York City on June 4, 2011 to raise awareness and to raise money for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. It got my attention immediately, resonating on a breathtaking level. I decided to do this, and will be privileged to have my son walk with me. My reasons are varied. I want to raise awareness so that people can think of the unthinkable because the possible outcome can be so tragic- for their kids and others in our community. I want an organization like AFSP to receive the support that it needs to continue its important work, to walk where others will not go. I want my son to meet people- parents, who love their children and who have lost them, so that he can truly understand the depth of that love. And, I want to be involved with suicide education and prevention in a different way, casting a larger net. I don't doubt for a second that this experience will be anything but absolutely transformational.

- Nella
Team Horizon

Michelle's Story

My mother was the most amazingly influential woman in my life.  Her influence created a path for me to become the woman I am today and whether in life, or in death, she means the world to me.  My mom was a strong and determined woman who fell victim to darkness, and what I have always called a "cancer of her soul." She suffered from Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder.  Our entire lives were infected by these mental illnesses and in 2004, my life was altered forever when my mother succumbed to the hollow depths of despair and took her own life.


There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her, miss her, love her, or desperately wish she were still in my life.  And, there are still moments where I feel anger, loss, sadness and disbelief, but each day is one more step I take in triumphing over this tragedy.  My mother's life taught me determination.  She gave me guts and showed me strength.  She showed me how to be an independent woman who could succeed at anything.  When I think
about her, I choose to keep my focus on what she gave me in life, not the pain that her death brought me.  After her death I traveled the world, conquered fears and goals I never believed I could, began running half marathons, and kept my focus onward and upward.  I carry her with me in every accomplishment, and will will do so again when I embark on the 18 mile
Overnight journey through the streets of New York, where she was born, in June of 1956.  I will walk because I carry her strength and determination inside me. I will walk to show others that we can triumph over tragedy.  I will walk to erase the moments of shame or embarrassment I once felt in telling anyone my mother suicided.  I will walk in defiance of keeping mental illness a secret.  I will walk to squash the stigma of suicide and mental illness and of asking for help.  I will walk to celebrate the life of the most amazing woman I know, and to show the world that my love for her knows no limits, knows no shame and extends to all those who have lost loved ones.  I will walk because, hopefully, I can help another survivor see the light of day coming on the horizon. I will walk to honor my mother, Theresa Parrella.


- Michelle Parrella

Elizabeth Blake - Team Nothing Else Matters

In 2005 I lost a very close friend to suicide. He was only 18 years old and I was in my first year of college. His death nearly destroyed my friends and I as we struggled to make sense of it all. Five years later, after moving to Boston, I heard about The Overnight walk of June 2010 in Boston. I immediately signed up but was worried I wouldn't make the $1,000 minimum. Only 4 months later I had reached $2,047, doubling my original goal. I had signed up as a solo walker but was placed on a team and met some wonderful people who live near me. My family traveled from New York to root me on and I walked through places in my new city that I had never been to before. Because of my endeavors I became closer with my friend's family and encouraged them in their healing. That fall they got a team together for a community walk, and on the anniversary of his death, at the beginning of this month, we had a Celebration of Life get together a local bar back home. Now I am a team captain and I have a team of friends prepared to walk in New York City this year. I am also on the board of members for the Boston chapter of the AFSP and the co-chair of the Walk Committee for a community walk in Boston. I am also about to go through training for grief support.

To sum this all up, I took one step towards healing by registering for The Overnight 2010 and here I am, many steps later, feeling better than I have since February 3rd, 2005, the day the world lost Louie Grieco.

- Elizabeth Blake

Team Nothing Else Matters

Chuck's Story

In the fall of 2007 I received a phone call from my youngest daughter Wendi. Wendi told me that she had suffered a relapse with a long existing Eating Disorder & had admitted herself into a program. She asked if I would want to come to a family Group Counseling one night with her. Although I live 250 miles away I readily agreed.

Several years before Wendi had been diagnosed with Bulimia & I had attended family Counseling with her at that time as well. When I was first told of Wendi having an Eating Disorder I wanted to learn as much as I possibly could. Very quickly I learned that many who are diagnosed with an Eating Disorder also suffer from Depression, Anxiety, & a host of other Mental Health issues. At the very first meeting I told Wendi that this was not just her problem, but it was our problem, & that I would be there for her. We were going to fight this together.

For several days after I talked to Wendi on the phone, & leading up to my visit with her at the Eating Disorder Clinic, I kept having the most horrific premonition that a father could ever have. The thought kept coming to me that someday I was going to receive a phone call that this disease had somehow taken her life. Needless to say there were a lot of tears that were shed on that 250 mile drive.

During the group session that night each person had a chance to speak. I told Wendi how much I loved her, reminded her that it was not just her problem but it was ours as well & that I would always be there for her. I then told her about my premonition, which was very difficult to do. The counselor asked Wendi, how this made her feel knowing that her Dad felt the way that he did. Wendi stated, "I know my Dad cares for me & will always be there for me. It hurts me to see him hurt, but I'm not going to do anything to myself." Wendi's words that night were comforting but I still could not get rid of that premonition.

On April 29, 2010, at 8:35 pm, as I was preparing for work I received a phone call from my Son-in-Law, Bob, who is married to my oldest daughter Amanda. Bob stated, "Chuck, I have some bad news. I am following an ambulance that has Wendi in it to the hospital." Bob continued by stating, "Wendi had texted her best friend to call 911, because she did not want her Mom to come home & find her."

Wendi's friend had immediately called 911. When Paramedics arrived they found Wendi hanging. Wendi was in full cardiac arrest. By the time that the ambulance arrived at the hospital they did have a pulse restored. Tested showed that her heart was functioning at 14%, & an EEG showed minimal brain activity & that was from the stem. Wendi was placed on life support. Drs. told us that if there was any hope that it would occur within the first 48 - 72 hours, after that the chances of survival would be minimal. After 3 weeks Wendi's condition remained basically the same.

Wendi was in a coma/vegetative state for 3 1/2 months & passed away on August 17, 2010. Wendi was 27 years old when she died. My premonition, was now a reality!

I knew from the beginning that I had a choice. I could withdraw myself from the outside world & drown myself in my own sorrow, or I could find a way to honor Wendi & make something positive out of this nightmare. I have chosen the latter.

I first heard about the Overnight Walk when I attended the Annual SOS Day Webcast in Paducah, Ky, hosted by Zackshope. I knew that day that this was something that I had to do to honor Wendi. I know that as we walk that night that Wendi will be looking down on her team, "Warrior's for Wendi", & know that we are still fighting the cause for her & others, & we know that she will be with us in spirit.

Chuck Roper

Warrior's for Wendi

A Celebration of the Life of Michael de Sosa

My Story Begins with Kati

My story begins with Kati. It’s her story, really. A sad tale of her beloved brother taking his own life when they were in high school. Kati and I have been friends for some time now. I am the babysitter of her 2 adorable and loving children. Thru my daycare, we have formed a bond. As the years passed, our bond blossomed into a friendship to rival any two best friends. Thru our friendship, she has been able to share with me, little by little, how her brother’s suicide has affected her over the past 21 years, and how difficult it still is to confront. On an evening, this past fall, she told me about the AFSP Overnight walk and how badly she wanted to participate in it. But going it alone was a little bit overwhelming. As the Thelma to her Louise (actually, I don’t know which of us is which character – oddly enough neither of us has seen that movie), I cheerfully announced that I would walk with her! I had been looking for a chance to get involved in anything to raise awareness for anything worthwhile. I could relate in some ways to her pain…


I had a friend. A very dear friend, whose friendship was an easy one. He was a part of a group of people that I held very close to me at one time. We’ve drifted apart over the years, as friends sometimes do, but we are all united by this one person and his tragic passing. He was in my wedding in 2002. And three months after, he was dead from a gunshot wound to his head. This made no sense to anyone who knew him. He was Mr. Gun Safety! Raised around rifles his whole life, he knew what precautions to take when cleaning them. Was it an accident? Was it intentional? No one will ever know. We were all left with so many unanswered questions. Sadness, fear, anxiety… I could easily imagine how the loss of one’s own flesh and blood would tear you apart. My friend felt like my brother. He still does. I miss him. Every day. I am lucky in that I can visit his grave whenever I need to. Sometimes to talk. Sometimes to sit and think. Sometimes to just enjoy the quiet with my dear friend.


He was smart, funny, sensitive, and a real S-O-B when he wanted to be. But my favorite quality of his was his honesty. Brutal at times, but always appreciated. Sometimes I find harsh truths when I sit by his graveside. Sometimes he’s the only one I can trust my secrets to. I think it would make him happy to know he is still my confidant. I know it brings me comfort. We shared the same lucky number, 23. His high school football number and my birth date. There was no him without 23. And no longer a 23 without him. Same with our unlucky number, 11. Determined unlucky by him during one of our many games of cards and it stuck. That 11 gets me all the time! Most recently, 11 weeks ago.


My husband and I had been together for 11 years when I decided it was time for us to go our separate ways. Like 11 years to the date, oddly enough. As I said, 11 weeks ago things changed for me. My depression was at an all-time low, and our rocky marriage had me on the verge of a divorce for a while. I finally broke down. I was watching a movie, alone; with a very moving performance by Anne Hathaway dealing with her sister’s wedding and being fresh out of rehab. Her struggles with self-worth and her desire to make amends and participate in her family event were sore spots for me. I cried a lot while watching her go thru this horrendous wedding weekend. The crying would last for 2 more days.


I had enough. I was tired. So tired from my marriage issues. From carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders (so it seemed). Tired from not being able to sleep at night. Tired of fighting for my own self worth. I had a bottle of sleeping pills in my drawer that I didn’t use. They made me nauseous, so I stuck with over-the-counter stuff that worked. But I never threw away the prescription ones. What if I took 10? THEN I would sleep. No more being tired! Simple enough, right? Perhaps too simple. I wasn’t thinking about my children or my family or my friends. Or what would really happen if I took those 10 pills. The sleep would be permanent. But thru my tears and misery, I wasn’t thinking about that part of it.


I texted Kati. If anyone could help me snap out of a funk, SHE could! But even she couldn’t this time. I was lower than I had ever been before. But because of her involvement with AFSP and her experiences with her brother, she knew it was time to ask some tough questions. She’s such a great friend because she didn’t lay lip service on me or try to pump me full of sunshine. She simply asked “Sweetheart, are you thinking of hurting yourself?” Well, no, I didn’t want to hurt myself! I want the hurt to stop. I want to sleep. I want to escape the pain once and for all. Here, I was past the point of ideation of suicide and hadn’t even realized it. Now I was scared. And so very ashamed. But she never backed down and I eventually called the suicide crisis line. Thankfully. My own therapist wouldn’t return my call for 2 days. It was the weekend and he was out of town.


It was a long rough weekend. The crying never stopped. Just looking at the sweet faces of my 3 children made me start sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn’t get out of bed except to use the bathroom. The sweet lady on the crisis line recommended that I go to the hospital to get evaluated. My family doctor insisted that I go get evaluated. But what would happen? Would I find myself in a straight jacket? ...in a padded cell? ...drugged past the point of knowing who I am? I was so scared! Kati kept encouraging me. She never faltered. I have another very dear friend, I call her Lil Sis. She and my brother were together for far too long before they broke off their engagement for me to walk away from our relationship. Well, Lil Sis works in the ER. I texted her and in a panic, she called me right away. We both cried a little. She told me what to expect, which was nothing like I imagined. Whew! And by the 3rd day of this breakdown I was in the hospital waiting for my evaluation. Now, it took 2 Xanax and a lot of cigarettes to get me there, and while in the waiting room I sat with my husband and just cried for Lil Sis, till she came out from the back. Then we sobbed together for a while. This was so hard to do!! I finally felt ok enough to go on and see what the evaluation was to bring me.


Food with no silverware. A room with but a bed. A bathroom with no sharp edges anywhere. And then, an ambulance ride to Philhaven Behavioral Health Organization in the middle of the night. Monday night. I was committing myself until I felt safe enough to be back in my home. By the end of the day Tuesday, I was feeling much better. By Wednesday, I was smiling and laughing with the other patients, feeling so lucky to be in this wonderful hospital! I was safe. There was no pressure. It felt like what a kindergarten summer camp would be. My fellow patients were so inspiring and supportive! It was truly one of the most amazing experiences of my life. By Wednesday night, the aides were kidding me that I filled my smile quotient for the day and had to stop. Thursday morning I was released. I didn’t want to go, but I didn’t want to hide away from my problems. I had a family counseling session before my discharge. I was a nervous wreck, but promises were made and bargains struck and out the door I was sent.


The very first thing I did was go visit my 23. I had to tell him I understood why he left. In the event it was intentional, I now understood just how low he must have felt. And how hard it would have been to reach out to a friend. The embarrassment. The shame. The guilt. Oh, how I wished he had known about the crisis number. Being able to talk to someone without judgments on your thoughts and/or actions is extremely freeing. And very helpful. If only he knew!!


How many other people suffer in silence and then take their own lives because they just can’t reach out to a loved one, for fear of the shame? Or because they just don’t know how to reach out? Or who to reach out to? I had a renewed sense of purpose to do the walk with Kati. My own story, my own desire for people to know they can reach out and get help, because they know where to turn.


Now, my marriage lasted but another month after my stay in Philhaven. I realized that it wasn’t healthy anymore, and my husband agreed we needed to go our separate ways. Since then, I have been growing stronger and stronger with each passing day. Not that I don’t have my low points, but overall I am moving forward and it feels so good! I am so thankful to so many people for supporting me, but mostly to my Kati for knowing where to send me for help. She is my angel right here on earth. And I am so honored to walk hand in hand with my angel and her friend Cathy as the Mamma Mias as we take this amazing journey of 18 miles in the dark together, to raise awareness and help prevent suicide. If our efforts reach just one person, then so be it. Kati’s efforts have already reached me. But with your help, we hope to reach many, many more.


The walk is June 26, and my fundraising goal is $1123.


xo
Amy

Deborah's Story

When my husband and I decided to participate in the Overnight Walk together, I was really glad to have a partner to support me through a long night that will surely be emotional and draining. However, I was nervous about the fundraising. Since we were doing this together, that meant we were asking the same pool of people to contribute to both of our fundraising accounts and I wondered if we would be able to reach the $2000 goal together. First, I spent a lot of time on the email we sent out to our friends and family as well as the information I posted on the donor page. I made sure to start off with the story of how suicide has affected us personally—my best friend was lost to me a year and a half ago after a long battle with bipolar disorder, and my cousin Jim was lost nearly 15 years ago. Some friends told me that my story really moved them and I was glad that the time I spent on the writing helped motivate people to donate. Next, I decided to cast our net very wide. I was nervous because I didn’t want to ask people I didn’t know very well to support the cause, but at the same time, by expanding the reach, we accomplished two goals—we were able to raise more money and we helped raise awareness, which is one of the main reasons why we are doing this walk. We sent our email out to friends, family members, neighbors, co-workers, bosses, and a long list of friends and family members of Kari and Jim. I also posted the information on Facebook. We have been pleasantly surprised by how many people contributed—even people I thought would not be able to donate contributed what they could. Finally, I asked all my friends to forward the email to friends of theirs who may have been touched by this issue and we have received donations from people we didn’t even know.


Once we got donations, I made sure to send a personal thank you to everyone within 24 hours of receiving the donation. I think people are glad to know how much I value their contribution. Surprisingly, these donors have turned around and thanked US, saying they are glad that someone is undertaking such an endeavor. And about half the people who donated told us they have been affected by suicide as well. This made me realize that sending it out to people who were virtual strangers to me was an important step because we never know how many people have experienced suicide personally and would be willing to contribute to an organization dedicated to prevention. We are finding community in this terrible phenomenon. The mere idea of this walk has been inspiring to us and to our friends and family already. We look forward to the night when we all walk together through the streets of Boston, honoring those who cannot walk with us.


- Deborah Bennet
Team Tante Kari

Jackie's Story

I had a 3 week old baby girl when my brother passed away…. a niece he never met, but oddly enough, the date of her birth marks the last time we spoke. Every time I walk thru the street where I was parked when I received his call, I inevitably think of him. Every time she has a birthday, I remember that´s the amount of years he has been gone. This experience has taken a toll on me, which can´t be measured, it can´t be explained in words… the deepest scar on my soul. So many things left unsaid, undone… such pain for the absence and for all that which could have been, but never will be. This is the brutality of suicide, on all those of us who survive it.

At first I remained stoic…after all, I had 2 young children who depended on me 24/7… after all, my grief couldn´t possibly compare to that of my parents so I had to be strong for them as well…. right? RIGHT???!! Yes, I cried, mostly in private, at night…. Until 3 months later when a former coworker committed suicide and then all hell broke loose inside of me. Suddenly I could no longer contain the emotional tidal waves that had been brewing inside of me and I just let go. Suicide had never really been an option for me, but suddenly my brother had opened this whole new world of macabre possibilities…. I never actually tried, but God knows the thought crossed my mind too many times.

From the early days of my grief, I understood that this ¨beast¨ had the potential of devouring me… my gut urged me to find reinforcements, if I was ever to tame it. Americans speak of suicide being a taboo, and I don´t doubt it is … but if you want a dip into the dark ages, come on down to sunny Costa Rica! There was nothing, absolutely no resources for survivors of suicide… I know because I looked under the rocks. My lifeline back then was a U.S.-based website (www.survivorsofsuicide.com ) that, among other things, included a priceless forum where I could contact others in my situation. Looking back on those days, I was too overwhelmed to find the universe of online resources available to survivors… thank God I managed to at least find that one. Aside from this virtual aid, I also started my own personal therapy.

Today, almost 40 months into this journey, I can say it doesn´t get easier, it just becomes familiar. You learn to live with the terrible images that assault you occasionally… you learn to live with the absence and the unfulfilled possibilities… you learn to cope with people´s cruel remarks… you forgive yourself and your loved one. You learn, you learn, you learn…. You live, you learn…isn´t that how the song goes?

I am now at a point where I not only actively work on my healing, I want to help others heal as well. This is why, two months ago, I materialized the thoughts that had been running thru my mind for months. On the same night, I booked a trip to Orlando, to attend the ¨AAS/AFSP 22nd Annual Healing after Suicide Conference¨ and AFSP´s ¨Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk¨, in Boston. I also teamed up with a fellow survivor friend, to create a website to serve the Spanish-speaking survivor community.

This website project is geared for Costa Rica, but since it´s online it will be useful to people around the world, who speak Spanish. At this point, my friend has moved away so I´m left at it alone, but very much motivated to make it happen. The idea is to provide survivors with important information and most important, an online forum where they can share with fellow survivors. Eventually, it´d be wonderful to move from online to live groups as well…but only time will tell. I plan to launch the website on November 20th, National Survivors of Suicide Day. That day, as part of the activities, we´ll hopefully be able to be a host site, for a world-wide broadcast, organized by AFSP.

Attending the Conference in Orlando was a wonderful experience. On one hand I had a vast amount of information and networking possibilities for our website-building efforts. On the other hand, were the people…the amazing people I met. Oddly enough, we never exchanged contact info, but I shared very intimate moments with absolute strangers. You know what though? That´s the whole point of attending an event like this. We survivors, we are bonded for life… there´s an energy between us that´s thick and undescribable. We were granted a lifelong entry to a club…we didn´t ask for membership but we belong. For all those who have sat among survivors, you´ll understand when I say, that there is an inmense healing power in a Survivor support group….it´s like emotionally coming home you know? A place where you don´t have to try explaining, because everybody knows where it hurts and just how much it hurts.

As far as the Overnight Walk goes, I was very nervous about raising the $1000 required to participate. I sent out an email to the 300 contacts I had on my email and Facebook lists…. and the process has been an absolute surprise! Exactly like when my brother died, some of the people I expected total support from, have not even bothered to email me back… and people I never thought would even acknowledge my message, have donated and generously. It has been such a rewarding experience and I´m happy to say that as of today I have almost doubled my goal! I´ve also learned, because of my donors´ emails, that a lot of them have battled with mental disorders or have lost someone to suicide and had chosen to keep it quiet.

The Overnight has also provided me with a new network of survivors….my fellow team members… one of which I´ve already had the opportunity to meet, in Orlando, during the Healing Conference. These are awesome people…we´ve connected thru email and Facebook and I already feel like I´m a part of something special, despite not even being in the same country as they are.

My only concern now, is being able to walk the whole way, since I really haven´t trained much. I don´t doubt I´ll make it…the question is if my legs will respond once I cross the finish line!! My fellow team-members, many of who have walked it before, have assured me it´s such a powerful experience, that the adrenaline gets you half way there…. I´m counting on that!!! We´re a month away and I can´t wait for that one special night when I´ll walk beside my brother, to help raise awareness and bring this reality, out of the darkness. See you there!

Your friend,


Jackie Secades

(Heredia, Costa Rica)

Chris's Story

I have read the other stories of survival, and was moved by each one. I felt inspired by them to share my own. I don't know what it is with Nevada, but we seem to lead the nation in suicides each year. My story is a testament to that harsh reality. Fifteen years ago, when I was 19, the first friend I lost, Burke, was due to suicide. Burke, and another friend of his Josh, both shot themselves. Then, at 21 my friend Shawn shot himself the night before Thanksgiving. Shawn's death hurt me deeply. Shawn was three years older than me and from my neighborhood, and became to me like an older brother. I've never stopped thinking of those two everyday since, and there's not a Beastie Boy's song I can hear that doesn't instantly trigger a Shawn memory. Well, years past and their memory has always remained, I just didn't know events and organizations like this existed until recently. On June 23rd 2006, my father, Harry Reynold's, took his life at 49 years old with alcohol and pills. Needless to say, this shook my foundation. My dad was a very loving, caring guy that had great compassion for the world's underdog's. He had one of the hardest childhood's of anyone I've ever known, and for him to have such love and compassion for others, and to create the success for himself that he did, was a great inspiration for me. Because I wanted to honor his memory in the same sort of way I started looking for something to volunteer myself to. I just couldn't seem to find the right fit, nothing ever really hit me until March 25th 2009. On March 23rd, my younger brother Jeff, not related to Harry, at 27 took his life also. He to shot himself. The reason I say the 25th of March was my day of inspiration is because that was the day of Jeff's viewing. I'd been looking so long for something to get involved in but suicide prevention never came to me until that day. I left the viewing, got into my car, and just said out loud, "This has to stop." And that's when it came. I got an intense warmth that started in my heart and just dispersed all through my body, and my mind said "suicide prevention" loud and clear. I honestly couldn't believe what had just happened. It was that easy, yet it took so much for me to get there. Since then, this is what I fight for. That May, with help from some of Jeff's friends, we put together a small little rock show, took a cover charge, sold some shirts, and raised $3,200 that we donated to our local Crisis Call Center, and local Walk In Memory that is held annually here in Reno. Through my efforts to get involved in prevention I found this Overnight Walk. This will be my first year walking. I started Team Jeff Rand/Harry Reynolds. I will be walking with two of my other younger brothers Eric and Joseph. We have raised our goal already and I am so looking forward to this experience with them. I can't wait to be a part of this and to be with so many other survivors from all over the country. I've already met such great and inspirational people locally. I will miss my friends and family deeply forever and will never quit loving them. I do this in their honor. Through the darkness their light shines. I know you now. I fight for you now. I suffer for you now. I live for you now.


-Chris Rand-Reynolds

Thomas's Story

This message was sent to us by, Thomas, a young man who lost his friend Bailey to suicide in 2008. Thomas found out about The Overnight from Bailey's mother, who walked in the Chicago Overnight and will be returning this year in Boston.


"Hey it Thomas i survivor from my friend Bailey who killed herself and i had written this story about it and i thought i share it with you guys.


My Worst Nightmare started November 17, 2008. I woke up and went to school. When I arrived to school the vice principal was standing outside greeting some of the kids. I wondered, what happened so I went into the school to go to homeroom. I then sat down and looked around and I didn’t see my best friend. So I wondered where she was. So I went to class and went through the day. Then the period before lunch I was in art therapy. That is when the school’s psychiatrist came to my class. Then he asked to talk to me. So I went into his office and he sat me down and asked how I was. Then he said I have some bad news. Your good friend killed herself last night she shot herself in the head. I also struggle with depression so the psychiatrist had said I called your dad and you are going home with him But that is when I refused and went on with the day. All I remember after that was suffering and feeling really hopeless until I heard about the overnight walk by my friend’s mom and then I was relieved because I heard about an organization that was actually fighting for people like me and my friend and we were not being looked down upon. Unfortunately, because of health and issues with my own depression I won’t be walking this year but I encourage anyone who lost a loved one to suicide that can walk it does or at least volunteer because you feel like you’re not alone. You find a huge group of people that share something in common with everyone and you feel important and find a cause to live for if you struggle yourself with depression."