Jackie's Story

I had a 3 week old baby girl when my brother passed away…. a niece he never met, but oddly enough, the date of her birth marks the last time we spoke. Every time I walk thru the street where I was parked when I received his call, I inevitably think of him. Every time she has a birthday, I remember that´s the amount of years he has been gone. This experience has taken a toll on me, which can´t be measured, it can´t be explained in words… the deepest scar on my soul. So many things left unsaid, undone… such pain for the absence and for all that which could have been, but never will be. This is the brutality of suicide, on all those of us who survive it.

At first I remained stoic…after all, I had 2 young children who depended on me 24/7… after all, my grief couldn´t possibly compare to that of my parents so I had to be strong for them as well…. right? RIGHT???!! Yes, I cried, mostly in private, at night…. Until 3 months later when a former coworker committed suicide and then all hell broke loose inside of me. Suddenly I could no longer contain the emotional tidal waves that had been brewing inside of me and I just let go. Suicide had never really been an option for me, but suddenly my brother had opened this whole new world of macabre possibilities…. I never actually tried, but God knows the thought crossed my mind too many times.

From the early days of my grief, I understood that this ¨beast¨ had the potential of devouring me… my gut urged me to find reinforcements, if I was ever to tame it. Americans speak of suicide being a taboo, and I don´t doubt it is … but if you want a dip into the dark ages, come on down to sunny Costa Rica! There was nothing, absolutely no resources for survivors of suicide… I know because I looked under the rocks. My lifeline back then was a U.S.-based website (www.survivorsofsuicide.com ) that, among other things, included a priceless forum where I could contact others in my situation. Looking back on those days, I was too overwhelmed to find the universe of online resources available to survivors… thank God I managed to at least find that one. Aside from this virtual aid, I also started my own personal therapy.

Today, almost 40 months into this journey, I can say it doesn´t get easier, it just becomes familiar. You learn to live with the terrible images that assault you occasionally… you learn to live with the absence and the unfulfilled possibilities… you learn to cope with people´s cruel remarks… you forgive yourself and your loved one. You learn, you learn, you learn…. You live, you learn…isn´t that how the song goes?

I am now at a point where I not only actively work on my healing, I want to help others heal as well. This is why, two months ago, I materialized the thoughts that had been running thru my mind for months. On the same night, I booked a trip to Orlando, to attend the ¨AAS/AFSP 22nd Annual Healing after Suicide Conference¨ and AFSP´s ¨Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk¨, in Boston. I also teamed up with a fellow survivor friend, to create a website to serve the Spanish-speaking survivor community.

This website project is geared for Costa Rica, but since it´s online it will be useful to people around the world, who speak Spanish. At this point, my friend has moved away so I´m left at it alone, but very much motivated to make it happen. The idea is to provide survivors with important information and most important, an online forum where they can share with fellow survivors. Eventually, it´d be wonderful to move from online to live groups as well…but only time will tell. I plan to launch the website on November 20th, National Survivors of Suicide Day. That day, as part of the activities, we´ll hopefully be able to be a host site, for a world-wide broadcast, organized by AFSP.

Attending the Conference in Orlando was a wonderful experience. On one hand I had a vast amount of information and networking possibilities for our website-building efforts. On the other hand, were the people…the amazing people I met. Oddly enough, we never exchanged contact info, but I shared very intimate moments with absolute strangers. You know what though? That´s the whole point of attending an event like this. We survivors, we are bonded for life… there´s an energy between us that´s thick and undescribable. We were granted a lifelong entry to a club…we didn´t ask for membership but we belong. For all those who have sat among survivors, you´ll understand when I say, that there is an inmense healing power in a Survivor support group….it´s like emotionally coming home you know? A place where you don´t have to try explaining, because everybody knows where it hurts and just how much it hurts.

As far as the Overnight Walk goes, I was very nervous about raising the $1000 required to participate. I sent out an email to the 300 contacts I had on my email and Facebook lists…. and the process has been an absolute surprise! Exactly like when my brother died, some of the people I expected total support from, have not even bothered to email me back… and people I never thought would even acknowledge my message, have donated and generously. It has been such a rewarding experience and I´m happy to say that as of today I have almost doubled my goal! I´ve also learned, because of my donors´ emails, that a lot of them have battled with mental disorders or have lost someone to suicide and had chosen to keep it quiet.

The Overnight has also provided me with a new network of survivors….my fellow team members… one of which I´ve already had the opportunity to meet, in Orlando, during the Healing Conference. These are awesome people…we´ve connected thru email and Facebook and I already feel like I´m a part of something special, despite not even being in the same country as they are.

My only concern now, is being able to walk the whole way, since I really haven´t trained much. I don´t doubt I´ll make it…the question is if my legs will respond once I cross the finish line!! My fellow team-members, many of who have walked it before, have assured me it´s such a powerful experience, that the adrenaline gets you half way there…. I´m counting on that!!! We´re a month away and I can´t wait for that one special night when I´ll walk beside my brother, to help raise awareness and bring this reality, out of the darkness. See you there!

Your friend,


Jackie Secades

(Heredia, Costa Rica)