My sister April (left) & Me
Why am I walking? For myself and everyone who supported me.
March 17, 2009 started out like any other day. I went to work and to class. I had no idea of the drastic turn it would take.
For years I suffered from depression and struggled with eating disorders, self injury, and addiction.
As that day progressed, my storm clouds began to tumble in, and I saw myself going downhill. Instead of reaching out for help, I turned to drinking. After a confrontation with my boyfriend at the time, our relationship ended suddenly, and I made my mind up.
It was about 10 years earlier, when I was 16, that I made my first suicide attempt, but this time around I was certain I would succeed.
I had consumed numerous drinks, and came home to ingest over 100 sleeping pills. The night was beyond horrific, but somehow I survived. The next few days were a struggle. I continued to hallucinate for over 24 hours following the overdose. I was taken to the emergency room in the back of a police car, because I refused an ambulance at the time, due to cost and lack of insurance. Miraculously, I had done no damage to my liver or kidneys.
When my friends returned to my home to take care of my dog, the shambles that I had left it in were deplorable. Being the amazing friends that they were, they cleaned it up, simply explaining that they, “couldn’t let [me] come home to that.”
It was only a few days later when one of my best friends found out that a close friend of her’s had killed himself within a few days of my attempt.
As I watched her devastation, together we started the healing process. We had a chance to discuss in raw and open conversations what it is like to be on both ends of suicide. It has since become my mission to help people understand the place I was in, so that they can better understand the battle, and gain new hope for triumph.
I have often encountered people who had no capacity to fathom being in such a dark place, and I’ve had amazing opportunities to open discussion about what it is like. I think this is so important, because for me, depression was all I had ever known. I couldn’t understand them. They couldn’t understand me. But through talking, and listening, we had a chance to open that door.
In the past two years, my life has completely changed. I do recall the heartbreaking desperation I felt that night, but I’ve genuinely found an unyielding HOPE. If I can offer that to anyone else, I will. Making the decision to end your own life is such a frighteningly lonely place to be. Through the HOPE that I’ve gained, I’ve finally had an opportunity for my appreciation to grow for everyone who stood by me, and loved me, even when it was hard to helplessly witness my inner turmoil.
I know that so many people who haven’t been in the darkness, don’t know what to do for loved ones who are there right this moment. I feel like the gift of my survival can be a testimony of pulling through. I am so grateful to hear people’s stories, and understand how I have affected my loved ones, and how much worse things could have been. I am so inspired by everyone who strives forward despite being left behind after suicide. I can’t imagine what that position must feel like. I don’t want people to suffer this loss anymore, just as I don’t want people to have to face the darkness alone.
After my attempt, the pain of my experience was so fresh, that I was driven to ask for help when the feelings started to arise again. Making the decision to turn to my loved ones for help was just as scary as making the decision to end my life. Asking for help, however, has only contributed to my survival. My loved ones have stepped in to go to any lengths to help me. I didn’t even realize, despite all their efforts, that they really cared that much. I finally realize that my life isn’t an unwanted burden to others. My life is valuable beyond measure, and if I simply ask, someone will respond. If I could relay the message to those battling with suicide right now, that there is someone out there who is willing to do anything to keep them alive, and help them find SERENITY and JOY, I believe that information will save lives.
Over the past s
everal months, I have had the chance to be a part of an amazing family who took me under their wing after losing their son/brother to suicide several years ago. They have inspired me so much, because they offered endless support and love through my struggle. They’ve really helped me understand the ongoing aftermath of suicide.
The strength of everyone who has survived this tragedy is infinitely inspiring to me. They have touched me in so many ways.
If I can offer that to anyone out there, right now, I feel it urgently necessary to do so.
Today, I’m not simply surviving day-to-day. I am beyond healing; I am whole. My life is filled with smiles, laughter, hugs, unconditional love, understanding, peace, and joy. All of these things are at my core. They surround me, and flow through me. If you had told me, at my darkest moments, that all of this was possible... I would have undoubtedly scoffed, and maybe even rolled my eyes.
Hold tight. It is so much more than possible, it is within you at this very moment. All you need is an opportunity to access it. I PROMISE you, there is HOPE.
I am walking to honor myself, and my journey through pain, to perseverance, and prosperity; and in memory of each person who has faced the darkness and lost the battle.
I’m sending all my love to those who stumble upon this note.
I hope to see you in NYC on June 4th and 5th, to journey into the light.
Thank you,
Noelle Aviña
"Find out how much God has given you and from it take what you need; the remainder is needed by others." -Saint Augustine
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